A few weeks ago, I met Ben Von Wong.
His passion when talking about dating was infectious. Thankfully, he said yes to further chatting about the topic on my podcast recently.
What are his ideas rooted in? He wanted to answer the question of “how could I make dating more fun for myself?”
Below are some of the core ideas mentioned from our podcast episode:
Chemistry X Alignment Matrix
Ben has a matrix to categorize potential partners using two axes:
Chemistry (connection) vs Alignment (life compatibility)
Ben suggested to only pursue people with high chemistry vs low chemistry, regardless of alignment.
Pursuing Friendship First
“Everyone is a friend until I'm clearly announcing some level of intentionality to create a structure around what this thing is.”
Even if he matches with someone on a dating app, he aims to pursue friendship first. This also reduces relationship pressure when meeting up, if the initial goal is friendship.
“What if every person you met could become a friend? Everyone has a story to tell. Everyone has a secret. Everyone has a certain energy, and maybe that's good enough… just try to keep the expectations low… If the goal is to have a good interaction, where you feel seen, heard, or where you learn something, then optimize your interactions to get to that point.”
Attending Learning-Focused Events Together
Ben is really intentional with his time and thinks about this because he believes “time well spent is when you have a high opportunity for growth at low emotional risk.”
So, he invites people to attend events, experiences, or activities with him rather than traditional coffee or dinner dates.
If I'm learning something, it is actually making me into a better person, which, incidentally, it’s also making me into a potential better future partner.
Ben has a Notion page that details upcoming events that he is going to or involved with. This creates an easier on-ramp for people to see him and connect at mutually-appealing events. Ben also likes to co-create relationship containers that are:
Novel: new and unique that are exciting for both people
Specific: about what each person is looking for and why. Clear and upfront communication about these things is important
Bounded: with defined timeframes like weekend experiments or month-long explorations. This reduces the pressure of a potential “relationship escalator” dynamic
Unique Communication Approaches:
Tries to have 15 minute micro-dates to quickly assess compatibility
Aims to send voice notes instead of text messages to cut through potential artificiality and provide more communication richness and context
Reduces classic dating games by responding immediately
Can send his dating flowchart to people who seem aligned. This further communicates how he views relationships and ideal situations together
Ben’s approach to dating is rooted in personal growth, meaningful connection, and authentic relating, while maintaining the possibility of deep romantic partnership…
I love it!
How could you make dating more fun? Or how could you make anything else in your life more fun? Reply back and let me know!
Upcoming NYC Events: my NYC Gatherings calendar is updated!
Here are two events of note:
Monday June 9th: crafty hour: junk journaling with art gurl
Friday June 13th: Open Founder Forum hosted by Daniel Stillman
To making things more fun,
PS: this song always makes me smile. And so does this video! What made you smile recently? Reply back and let me know!
David this is so GOOD! Just listened to this episode!